MY PIECE OF MIND
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MY PIECE OF MIND
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ME. (:
 Look I have a hot babe kissing me! :P
Likes to call himself "krej" I like..
eat, sleep, hanging out with friends...play sports like...basketball...and of cuz...snooker and pool!!!
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Lynnette
PeiYi
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it is happening!!Day lost count...I should stop counting...lol... Day 45 day 25 day 18 day 15 day 13 day 12 day 11 day 9... Archives
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Wednesday, March 30, 2011 11:41 AM the feeling of being sacrificed... well...so much for..."I wun sacrifice your sadness becuz of him...." haha...and I know I should be focusing on my maths...instead of dwelling on it...but I seem to allow myself to dwell on it... =x okok...back to work...back to work... hope at least my sacrifice was worth it...
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 Tuesday, March 29, 2011 6:40 AM I think everyday will be feeling the same thing...how... went swimming today....haha...ya...I know...it's amazing...and I tell u one thing even more amazing...I dunno what came over me...but I am a very bad swimmer and yet I still went into adult pool swim....and end up almost drowning...and guess what was on my mind while I was drowning...haha...I told myself to stay calm...and then I was thinking...shit...dun let me spoil their day.....lol....and also guess what...I know that my drowning incident...only caused her to think..."shit lahz, y must have this drowning incident, what if spoil the fun mood how?" haha....and I was blaming myself the entire time juz now....y was I so stupid to do what I did....lol....and also...this incident...really made me think....I am really weak in the water....something that she is really strong at...and something that she loves....haha..really worlds apart...and really showed my pathetic self to her today....but ANYWAY...ALL she would be thinking is...what is he thinking and whether he enjoyed himself...juz fish my life...seriously.... asked her if she was ok having a gd chat....and she said no comments....haha...wow...how things have changed isn't it....and I dunno how am I going to continue living in a situation like that.... well...I guess...the thing I can console myself is...she is happy...which means...I should be happy...haha...of cuz I am happy for her...whenever I see her smile...I can't help but make a mental smile to myself...but like always...behind that mental smile...there is that same sadness....sadness knowing that I am not the one....haha.... haisssss...MOVE ON DAMN IT!!! MOVE ON!!!!!!!! Monday, March 28, 2011 11:33 AM siannnnnssssssss.... It sucks when you know that you need to let go but you can't because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen... found it on twitter...can't retweet...scared too obvious...so write it here...haha... I should really be doing my work now or slping...but I think I gotta let it off my chest first...before I do anything else... yup...so...another round of emo thoughts...lol...well...actually...I think I am a bit better le...just that...today...she reinforced her point again...the point which really made me emo a lot the past few days...and that is...I am juz like any other guy friend to her....no matter how much I care for her and do things for her...I would only be a friend... and worse still....at the end of it all...I juz got a feeling that I might end up with nothing....I seriously am screwed....is like y am I willing to sacrifice so much for her...and yet knowing there is nothing for me in return....I have come to realise that I chose to neglect my hall friends and always hang out with my course ppl(dun get me wrong...I really like my course ppl...but I like her more..haha...)...is cuz of her....I know it is not worth it...but I can't help it...it is seriously damn cock.... she said this to me...that she wouldn't stay if he wouldn't stay...or she would not be accompanied by her gd friend...but then...what abt me....I have chosen to neglect my hall friends mainly cuz of her....and in the end...I would be left alone....I guess...it's the choice that I made...and I gotta live with it....what a foolish choice that I made... I told her this...I hope when u get attached...hope u dun forget about me...and she said this...u know me...I would neglect friends becuz of bf.... hais...I really dun ask for much....yes...I am still holding onto 0 hope...but at the same time...all I am asking for...is a little more care towards me... my goodness...this is really the first time...my life is focused mainly on 1 person...and it is killing me...cuz there is juz nothing in it for me...no appreciation...no concern....no consideration...nothing.... and the best part is...she will never know...cuz she will be in her own world... yup...so what does all this point to...I GOTTA LET GO DAMN IT!. really wanna scream out..but...realise there is no voice for me to scream out... hmmm....I better go back to normal by tmr morn....got things planned...and I shouldn't spoil it... I feel so used....but that's when I feel I am needed....and that's when I feel I can do something for her...that perhaps she might appreciate it...but at the end of it....I would be alone... she really has no idea how much she means to me...and how much she is hurting me at the same time...haha...is really amazing... previously...when I ask her out for a chat...she wouldn't mind...now...one word from him...and she says no...how easily I am dismissed just like that.... Y AM I STILL DOING THINGS FOR HER WHEN I KNOW IT IS ALL FOR NOTHING..... I really need someone to talk to...lol... Sunday, March 27, 2011 4:59 AM in end...i still can't stop myself... haissssssssssssssssss.....in the end...I still can't stop myself...it seems no matter how much I tell myself to NOT care about her...I still go on and do something stupid to show that I care...which again...might cause her to feel uncomfortable....arghhhhhhhhhhhhh...............maybe I should juz siam awhile? I mean........y can't I just care about her as per normal............I mean...really...haisssssssss.....if my fears were to come true...I really dunno what I am to do... help.... Saturday, March 26, 2011 8:16 PM hmmm... ytd was a gd day...spent 8 hours working...talking cock with xy...getting scolded by her for being so persistent...lol...I kinda deserved it...after that went to find my good friends whom I really haven't caught up in awhile...it was nice to finally getting to talk to them...and get updates from them... and I had a looooooooooong talk with one of them...lol...more for me than for him lahz...the more I talked abt my life...then the sadder I became...lol...cuz really...it's juz too foolish...and now...I try to be my old self in front of her..which .is getting harder and harder for me...becuz...I will think of the things that I went through cuz of her...but if I keep thinking like that...it's never ending and we will only drift further apart even as friends...SO....*slap slap* I gotta wake up...and juz continue be there for her ONLY when she needs me...and stop hoping...cuz there is NO hope....(lol...I've lost count the no. of times that I told myself to give up...and I've lost hope in telling myself to give up...) MEANWHILE...pls let me juz focus on my work....cuz I've been pushing them wayyyyyyy too farrrr back...cuz seriously no mood...which again is an excuse...my goodness...I am gg nutsssssss.......hmm...gotta keep myself busy....cuz everytime...when I stop thinking about something...she comes to my mind... hmm...start work?? haha.... Friday, March 25, 2011 10:26 AM drained... I am really starting to feel the tiredness of it all...the ups and downs...juz her small actions...or inactions...affects me a lot...is madness...and it's juz so stupid...I always want to be there for her...but many times I tell myself I am not needed...and then...the very few times...when I am needed...(is for her selfish reasons btw) I am not there for her...because I tell myself that I am not needed...which is true...haha...well...the good news is...becuz right now....all she cares is him...so...whatever that I do or don't do...would not matter...haha.. yup...that's how sad my state has become...where I am willing to be there when she needs me..and when she doesn't...I would do my best to disappear...(super hard I tell u) well...the good news...(actually is bad news) is that she doesn't need me...haha...yup...cuz I can't do much for her anyway...and when I try to do something for her...I get rejected..again...what a joke... but ok lahz...at least..now my mood...a bit more stable...not as cock...ok..still cock... and and...I REALLY GOT TO LEARN TO CONTROL MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS...I THINK I AM TOO OBVIOUS SOMETIMES...SHIT....just quiet a moment...then is noticeable that something is wrong already...die... on a side note...I got to play pool today!! with my cousin...thankfully he and his friends didn't mind me joining them...I had fun!! =) I want her to care more about me...but I guess that's not possible... Thursday, March 24, 2011 4:20 AM gg crazy... today...I showed my black face to that one person who I told myself not to show to...haha...fantastic...at least...the gd news is...she wasn't too affected by it...as usual...haha... the feeling is so cock...hoping that my emo-ness will affect her...(which means she cares abt me) and yet at the same time...dun want my emo-ness to affect her...(u want ur loved ones to be hurt mehz?) yup...here to rant a few things before I go back to my work... I got a feeling this is going to be a loooooong sem for me...I mean...there are juz too many times that I keep thinking of her...and cuz of that...too many times I put myself down over it....so actually...end result...I dun really care about her...juz allowing myself to get caught up in my own emo-ness....yup.... haha...really ranting here liao...cuz I think I have bothered enough ppl abt it...and is always the same things over and over again.... like my friend said...find someone else...MOVE ON...haha...I am still holding on to 0 hope...and worse still...I am seriously not the kind of guy for her anyway...so even if she does like me(which wun happen btw) I wun be able to truly make her happy... that's the kind of person I am... SO....CONCLUSION....I should juz go bang my head onto the wall...haha...get amnesia or something...but I dun wanna forget my friends and family....just perhaps this stupid feeling of lack of self-worth in that person's eyes... her every action and inaction....drives me crazy....I am really screwed.... Enough rambling....haha...BACK TO WORKKKKKKKKKKKKK! Wednesday, March 23, 2011 11:56 AM it hurts... lol...cried a bit today...2nd time I cried cuz of her...but I know it's nothing...others have gone through worse...but juz wanna say...this is new for me...and I dun like it one bit... I keeping doing things...hoping for something....but knowing there wun be anything... As I try to watch over her(and she totally doesn't want me to do that for her...so I say...try...lol...)...all she does is look another way... As I go through stupid waves of sadness...all she does is look another way... yes...there are ppl caring about me(thank God)...but y that one person whom I want to care about me...only just treats me the " same as everybody"....it hurts even more cuz all I care about right now...is her... lol....I am such a joke....never mind...I will do my best to be happy for her(after all...this is all I can do...to console myself...lol...just pathetic...)because the previous parts of this post...is juz my selfish me acting up again...yup... thought I could handle this...but I guess....I was too confident of myself... truly...madly...deeply...suffering... Tuesday, March 22, 2011 1:04 PM trying.... yup...as much as i always keep wanting to care abt her...I know...all the more I gotta NOT care abt her... GOTTA FOCUS ON STUDYING!!!! On a side note, am thankful I have a few friends who I can lean on... Knowing I gotta move on....and yet...still holding on....holding onto something that has zero hope... A simple remark...and yet it hurt me quite a bit..."I treat u the same as everybody else..." haha...thanks for giving me a super painful wake up call... sorry for the jumbled up thoughts...that's pretty much what's gg on in my mind now...lol... Sunday, March 20, 2011 9:11 AM after a long break from blogging...I am back....again...lol... haha...I juz realised that my wall paper is a bit making my journal hard to read...but maybe it should be that way...since I think this journal will most probably be a place of emo thoughts...lol...cuz if I dun write out somewhere or say it out somewhere...I think I will go crazy... yup...so...anyways...right now...my thoughts are super messed up...I am constantly getting distracted...allowing myself to be distracted...and not doing my work...which is really bad... I juz delivered what is most probably one of the worst news to someone close to me...making that person really really sad...and at the end of it...all I felt was...guilt...seriously...I am such a cock... and plus...here I am still thinking about someone else...just fantastic...haha...junxian..u are probably one of the biggest jokes that happened... yup...so...basically that's about it... quite a short summary of my thoughts...haha..will definitely be back for more emo thoughts(and hopefully some happy thoughts as well)...haha...no worries...I wun do anything stupid...hopefully... =) |
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