ytd...they went out to study...through the night...I was invited...kinda last min...but still invited...lol...as much as I would die to go(a bit contradicting I know, die already how to go), I turned down...haha...gave a perfect reason...said that I couldn't stay out late consecutive nights...but I still went back home late ytd night...lol...managed to talk to a few of my gd friends last night...got scolded by them...lol...one of them super fierce against what I am doing...and allowing myself to drown like that...I told him...that's what I chose...but not sure if I am ready to face the consequences...lol...my friend also asked me...if it was worth it....the answer so obvious...

anyway, after returning home last night...I couldn't sleep...kept thinking abt them studying tgt...God knows how much I really wanted to be there...but it was perfect...two guys, two girls. double date u know? haha....me gg would make 5. lol.....I wanted to so much to know what's gg on there..and if there's anything I can help with, I would do that...but I didn't want to disturb them...in the end I did btw...lol...couldn't help it...was a little worried...wondered they would study till what time...basically kept wondering....lol...it was a bad night of slp ytd....

I hope they had fun...and had a good rest as well...cuz that's all I can do....

y do I taste bitterness when I haven't eaten any bitter gourds...

and here I am already made the decision about moving on...haha....

U can't always get what u want...but if u try hard enough...u might get what u need...does it apply to me...haha...

abt them...even more things have happened...and from I see...they are good things...happy of cuz...but can't stop that sad feeling too...

again..........her small actions and small inactions...driving me nuts...in both sad and happy ways...gosh...

as I sit waiting....hoping....for that little wave...or eye contact....there was none...

Should I smile that we can still be friends...or should I cry that that is all there is to it...

and and...I have been reminiscing...a lot...like really a lot...cuz is all I have..haha...*shakes head*

tell u a bigger joke...I have made a decision..I am MOVING ON....lol....but the entire message in the front...completely contradicted my decision...lol...

~~~If loving u with all my heart's a crime...then I am guilty~~~

-Blue, Guilty.

things have been pretty good for both of them...haha...I am happy...and sad at the same time...lol...happy that she's happy with him...sad that...many times I am left alone becuz of that...but I guess it can't be helped...it's for their future...and I really dun want to do anything that might harm it...although some dark side of me might be tempted to do juz that at times...lol...

yes...I admit...I do want her for myself...becuz I know once she belongs to someone else...that's the end of me..haha...she will stick to him and I have no idea what would be left of me...

and that's precisely y I REALLY gotta move on...lol....I've lost count the number of times ppl telling me that...and myself saying the same thing over and over again....

and just ytd...I did something stupid again...something that I did for her..but she was not happy with it. she was feeling tired and I wanted her to take a bus tgt with him that requires less walking back to her hostel while I board another bus alone back to sch...kill 2 birds with one stone right? WRONG...she felt it wasn't natural and doesn't want me to do it again...lol...me and my stupid self right...can't even take care of myself...still want to take care of ppl....

I am hopeless le...lol...

a few days back....she needed to buy polaroid film...cheap ones...she asked me for help....and I went on to call the places where my friend recommended that could get at a cheaper rate...after that...I went to the place to buy it...telling her it was on the way when it was super out of the way....lol...

Y am I still doing all this shit when I get nothing in return..when it is not appreciated at all...not wanted...and not needed...lol...whatever that I do...or dun do...she doesn't care at all...doesn't give a shit...lol...

but I know I will continue to do it...till I move on....

I am living for her happiness....for now...lol...

such.a.cock.

right now, I keep telling myself not to care so much abt her...and yet...I know...it is not quite possible...and I keep wanting to make her happy...but I also know....I am not the one to make her happy. so what I do is try to see where ever I can help...I will do my best...of cuz...things might not work out the way I want it when i try to help...so now...everything I do when it comes to both of them...I think not twice...but thrice...

right now..she is allowing herself to ask me for help...that's great...but like always...I will want more...more of her letting me to be there for her...

I gotta stop myself from wanting more...otherwise I might upset her again...

sigh...

I HATE THIS FEELING....totally not being myself....especially in front of her....and the way she looks at me now....I HATE IT EVEN MORE....no sparkle....no sadness....NOTHING....we can't talk one-one now...cuz...I am so freaking tempted to ask abt non-surface things...and she doesn't want to tell me anything....

I really really really need to get used to this....my goodness...save me...lol...

at least things are gg gd for her on her side with him...haha..

she can so easily do what she is doing to me now...(friend-to-friend talk, no more htht....no more one-to-ones....) cuz...she only treated me as a friend...but right now all I am asking for is allow me to be there for her....hahaha...toooo badddd for me I guess...she wants me to move on...and she doesn't believe in being best friends with someone who has feelings for her....which I think is reasonable...but her actions...

is.totally.killing.me.

ARGH.

it hurts...

haha...knowing that it was me on the phone abt her....and her tone was so sian....haha...never mind...it's expected....

things will never be the same again....and I still dunno what the fish am I doing...holding onto nothing...

.......................haisssssss.....

YUPPS...I kinda xiang tong le...lol...thanks to friends who bothered to listen me out...haha... =))

FINALLY..a positive post right? haha...I thought I better write this down before I starting gg the emo way again...haha... =)

"You have the weapons in your life, use them to fight for your life" adapted from suckerpunch...haha...a movie that caught me by surprise... =)